Search me O God
I have never been great with bible memorization. I always marvel at people who can rattle off scriptures, matching it up with the exact scripture reference. I know it takes time and repetition to memorize a verse. One summer five years ago, I decided to dedicate my mornings to memorizing scripture. Written on index cards, I would close my eyes and recite them over and over again. One of the verses that I was drawn to memorize was Psalm 139 in its entirety. There was something about this Psalm that brought me comfort, security and peace... knowing God sees me, knows me and is always with me.
“Search me O God and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is anything wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the every lasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24
With pen I wrote in the margin next to these two verses- a recipe for spiritual growth. I would open my hands and close my eyes each morning… repeating these verses. Open hands - displaying a heart posture of surrender and willing to receive. I was inviting Jesus to search me, test me and point out anything within me that offended Him. I didn’t realize how He would answer this request but I knew in due time He would.
Months later the Lord started to open up my understanding. He was giving me “eyes to see” myself in a new way. He was showing me certain things I would do, say or choices I would make and He wanted me to choose different. Jesus had something better for me and I wasn’t able to see it until I asked Him to show me. He was showing things within me that needed to be readjusted and realigned. He wanted me to see them so I could choose different… choose better.
I remember earlier this year I was asked, “Do you kneel when you pray? If so, when are people supposed to kneel?” The moment my friend asked this question, it brought me back to a recent memory. A memory that was a result from praying Psalm 139:23-24. In the middle of the night out of nowhere, a memory came to my mind from my adolescent years. I was thinking of the choices I made and my sin. I laid in bed, wide eyed, feeling deeply conviction. Have I ever confessed this sin? The conviction brought me to my knees. As I was tiptoeing out of bed, I was hoping my husband wouldn’t wake. He would be wonder what on earth I was doing in dark of the night. I knelt by my bed and started to pray. I was weeping over my past sin. The decisions that I made in the past deeply convicted me. I needed to repent. It was in that moment when I began to experience my heart breaking over what breaks His. As I would confess my sin, praise would soon follow. I needed to remind myself that my sins are forgiven. Praise filled my soul as I would remember that after you confess sin, God promises "He remembers them no more.”
"For I will be merciful toward their evil deeds, and their sins I will remember no longer.” Hebrews 8:12
Isn’t that amazing? Our God doesn’t just forgives us, He tells us that He chooses not to remember it ever again. If He chooses not to remember it, shouldn’t we do the same?! There is no need to ruminate over your past sin once you have confessed and repented of it. A reminder, repent means to turn away from, there is a behavior change that happens when you repent. You choose different, you choose better!
Let your heart be filled with praise and thanksgiving for a God that is full of mercy and grace! When we mourn, we are blessed. We are blessed by the presence of a Holy God who is loving, capable and always there to forgive, redirect and guide us each and every day.
“Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all of my sins.” Psalm 103:1-3a